Dangerous Remedy
by The Black Rosette
Summary: AU When his mother is killed in a tragic accident, Campbell Saunders lapses into a swirling pit of grief and self-blame. Pushing away those closest to him, he hides away in an empty world filled with music and his own dangerous thoughts. Maya Matlin knows that only she can save Cam from his grief fuelled self-harm. But will she be enough to save Cam from his own dangerous remedies?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Degrassi Franchise.**

**AN: I'm pretty sure we just know Campbell's host family as 'the Clarksons'. Therefore I had to create first names for them. Please feel free to correct me in a review if they do actually have names.**

**This story will contain fairly strong themes of self-harm. I will have a warning on any chapters that may be particularly upsetting to some people.**

**Additional AN. Please read: This story was posted before the airing of Bitter Sweet Symphony. When I started writing this Cam was still alive. So I've changed my description to say AU, as I guess it is now, please keep that in mind when you read the first couple of chapters though as the world of Degrassi is now remarkably different to when I began this story. **

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His world was awash with black. Everything was numb and he had no idea how to be alive again. His sister's cries filled his ears and she clung to him expecting some kind of mutual grief in return. Instead she was met with a wall; a stony faced boy who was unable to feel a thing. He felt an overwhelming sense of grief; a pain that only a boy who had been hundreds of kilometres away from his family for years could feel. He didn't get to hug her again, he didn't get to tell her how much he loved her, how important she really was. He didn't get to say thank you.

Maybe if he'd been there, maybe things would be different. She wouldn't have been stressed, she might not have been trying to get to school in time for his siblings; he could have been getting them instead. If he had been getting them she would have been safe in her office, still stressed, but not dead. No one had to die. No one would have died if only he'd been there. But instead he'd been hundreds of kilometres feeling the happiest he'd ever been since moving to play hockey.

What a selfish dick he was. His mother was stressed and tired and now she was dead. All because he had left to do what he wanted. He could have been there for her, but he wasn't.

Everything was his fault.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Her name flashed across the screen; her beautiful smile full of life beaming at him. He felt sick. He'd been with her when his mother died. He couldn't bear to speak to her.

So he pressed decline.

And he pressed decline every time she tried to ring him until finally she stopped calling.

**ooo**

"Since it's only a few months until you turn eighteen, Campbell, the Clarksons have agreed to have you remain living with them. When you turn eighteen you may choose to live elsewhere." The social worker explains to Campbell. "We felt that it was highly appropriate for you to remain where you are with the Clarksons and that you will feel more comfortable here. Stability is key."

"Stability would be having my mother back." Campbell mutters bitterly. The social worker nods patiently, she leans forward cupping her face with her hand. Her rich brown eyes full of concern.

"This is an unfortunate situation," she sighs, "but you are comfortable with the Clarksons, are you not?"

Campbell nods, "yes." The social worker smiles and writes something into an official looking form before her.

"What happens to my siblings?"

The social worker looks up from her paperwork. "Your siblings?" Campbell nods. "Well, I'm not assigned to them, but I'd imagine they will be sent to live with a relative; a grandparent, an uncle or an aunt."

"Not my father? Not my older brother? Where are they?"

"We were unable to contact your father…"

"Figures he's gone AWOL." Campbell hisses, cutting the social worker off.

She continues, unperturbed by Campbell's interruption. "Your brother was deemed unfit to care for your younger siblings."

"He's _their_ brother. How can he be deemed 'unfit'?"

"Campbell, just because he's their brother does not necessarily mean he could provide your younger siblings with adequate care and support."

"Why can't I look after my siblings then?"

"You aren't old enough, Campbell. Possibly when you are eighteen this situation may be reviewed but until then this is how it must be," she pauses trying to meet his eye. He looks away. "This may be hard for you to understand, and it's times like this I hate my job, really do; but it's for the best."

Campbell nods solemnly.

"Why did the Clarksons volunteer to keep me?"

"I'd imagine they've grown quite fond of you Campbell while you've lived with them. They could therefore see that it was best for you to stay with them rather than move away again. They say you have good, supportive friends who the want to keep around you."

Campbell snorts. "If they mean Maya, then I don't want to see her."

"Is Maya your friend?"

"She's my girlfriend."

The social worker frowns at Campbell. "Why wouldn't you want to see your girlfriend? Did you fight?"

"No. I just can't look at her without feeling sick." The social worker sat back, taking in his words. He could sense her confusion. "I was with her," he explains, "when my mother… when it happened. Now she just makes me feel angry and sick and guilty. I don't think I'd even be able to look her straight in the eye."

"Well that's very sad for you both." The social workers says shaking her head, "were you together long?"

"About eighteen months. We met in the middle of my sophomore year and her freshmen year."

"And you don't think you could work through your feelings?"

Campbell shakes his head. "Nothing can help us now. Not if she's reminds me that my mother died every time I'm near her."

**ooo**

Anger and grief fuel Campbell's energy for his first few days back with the Clarksons. One night he lies in his bed unable to sleep. He looks towards his wall and feels a rush of hatred for everything around him. Before he truly comprehends what he's doing, he rips posters from the walls and strips the room bare; every shelf and wall stripped of its contents. He finds the picture of him and Maya at her sixteenth birthday party last year, the same night they first shared each other's first times.

Staring at the photo sends Campbell into a panic that he hasn't felt in over a year. The same panic he felt when he cut himself with his skate and when he deliberately fell to break his arm. The wave of panic frightens him and his breathing quickens. He rips the photo into tiny shreds, then he falls to the floor, curling into a ball, and begins to sob. His sobs come out in chokes as he struggles to breathe at the same time. Something grabs a hold of him, something dark, that he can't shake off. His panic rises and his throat feels too thick with tears to breathe.

After what seems like hours the panic begins to subside, but Campbell has no energy left. So he lets himself drift into a broken, hellish sleep.

Lying on the floor of his room, between his bed and the window Campbell is able to forget everything for a while. He draws back from the world, taking refuge in a swirling world of music. He searches for new stuff, music that he's never heard before: indie bands from Australia, string quartets, classical, electronica from New Zealand, Japanese anime themes, euro pop from Romania, shoegaze from France; anything at all he can find that holds no memories of the past.

The curtains are drawn closed and the room is dim. Every time he closes his eyes his sees his mother and his siblings. A sadness floods through his entire being and begins to build up and up, in mounds growing higher and higher. One day it'll all come out; but he doesn't know how he's supposed to get rid of all this grief and pain. Everyone says it'll go away but he can't see how this could possibly go. It's like a ticking time bomb; a nuclear meltdown; a weapon of mass destruction; just waiting to be set off.

There's a knock on the door. Campbell doesn't respond. Richard Clarkson comes in anyway. He stops in the doorway, taking in the state of the room, before spotting Campbell lying on the floor, headphones engulfing his ears. He walks forward and perches on the edge of the bed. Campbell won't look at him. He stares blankly at the ceiling.

"Cam." Richard Clarkson can't find the words to explain to the boy how terrible this whole thing is. He doesn't have the heart to tell the boy that he needs to get on with his life and be someone. He doesn't have the faintest clue as to how to deal with a grief-stricken, reclusive seventeen year old.

He stares at Campbell for a good time longer, hoping, praying, that maybe the boy will say something. But Campbell remains unresponsive, and with a sigh, Richard gets up and leaves the room. He leaves Campbell to fall out of this world, into a world of pain and music; his own peaceful sanctum.

Except he is determined not to leave it at that. He might not get a response from Campbell, but he knows who might.

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**I would really appreciate any comments and feedback. Please tell me what you think.**

**The Black Rosette**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, favourited and alerted the last chapter. I'm really glad you liked it. This chapter isn't too heavy, it's sort of more finishing of introducing the plot and characters.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

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Maya Matlin stands at Cam's bedroom door, unsure whether or not she should go in. She knows that the Clarksons are hoping desperately that she might be able to talk to Cam, but she's not sure she could. In the first week after the funeral she had called Cam, but he had rejected every call, every message. After that she gave up. She isn't sure what to do now. She isn't sure where she and Cam were at. They'd been together for a long time and she thought that he trusted her enough to talk to her. She had trusted him with so many of her own secrets and fears. Being shut out by Cam, despite knowing the grief he was suffering, had hurt. It hurt Maya, and broke her heart. It isn't like she is some passing crush, some girl he could forget about in a few years. They shared almost all of each other's firsts now: first kisses, first relationships, and after Maya's sixteenth last winter, their first times. She has given everything to this boy. So, yes, he might be full of grief and sadness, but his complete rejection of any contact hurt.

Mustering up all her pride, Maya knocks on the door. There is no response, like Richard said there wouldn't be. So Maya opens the door and slips into Cam's room anyway. It's messier, darker and smellier than she remembers. Clothes are strewn across Cam's bed and his floor. The walls and shelves have been stripped completely bare by somebody, presumably Cam.

She spots him lying on the floor beside the window, lost in the world of music. She can't help but smile a little inside at the look on his face. He's so gone from the real world, entirely engulfed by whatever it is he's listening to. His head rocks back and forth slowly to the beat of the song and suddenly his eyes are open staring at Maya; the girl who never ceases to take his breath away.

He pulls his headphones off his ears and sits up, hugging his knees to his chest.

"What do you want?"

Maya isn't sure what she wants, so she doesn't answer. "Can I sit?" Cam nods. She sits down on his unmade bed. Cam turns to face her, leaning back against the wall behind him.

"What were you listening to? It looked pretty good." Maya tries to catch Cam's eye.

Cam looks away not meeting her gaze, "M83, it's from _Dead Cities, Red Seas and Lost Ghosts_, 'Unrecorded.'"

Maya smiles. "I once heard a fantastic string quartet version of that song."

"You know it?" Maya nods and slides down off the bed so she's sitting on the floor at eye level with Cam, leaning against his bed.

"I love M83. Pure magic, I reckon." Cam sighs, making Maya laugh, "oh no, did I hurt your belief that you were all unique listening to older M83 stuff? I would suggest something else, but that still wouldn't be original if it came from me, would it?"

"Why are you here Maya? Clearly not to talk to me about music." Campbell's words come out harsher than he intended them to. He regrets saying anything as he sees the hurt and anger on Maya's face. He knows that she is only trying to cheer him up.

"I'm here for you, Cam. To talk."

"I don't want to talk."

"I want to help, please, Cam," Maya whispers, "let me help, with anything."

Cam plays with the chord of his headphones. "You want to help? Then go, leave me alone."

"Is that what you really want?"

"Yes." Maya stands up and folds her arms across her chest. She walks towards the door, but then she stops and turns to stare at Cam. For the first time he stares back at her but rather than looking into her eyes, he stares straight through her.

"You know, Cam, it's not my fault I was with you when she died. It's sad, Cam, it's _horrific_; but it's not my fault. I love you, Cam, and I thought you loved me too; but maybe I was wrong." As she turns to leave, Maya spots a shredded pile by the wall. Curiously she leans down and holds up a few of the pieces. She recognises the pieces of the photo of them right away. One piece is ripped straight through her head, through her smile. Tears sting in her eyes and she grabs the pieces up into a handful.

"You ripped up the photo of us?" She whispers almost inaudibly to Cam. He nods. "You know what, fuck you, Campbell Saunders. I could be at band practise right now, but I came here for _you._" Maya snaps, throwing the pieces towards Campbell. They fall around him in a shower of confetti. Maya runs out of the room. She tears down the stairs and past the very startled Clarkson family.

"Maya?" Pauline Clarkson calls out in concern. "Maya, are you alright?"

Maya ignores her, desperate to get out as fast as possible. Biting her lip, so she doesn't burst into tears; Maya runs all the way to band practise where she can pretend that everything is fine; but somewhere deep inside her Maya's weeping in longing, anger and hurt.

**ooo**

Campbell winces at the sound of his door slamming. He listens sadly to the sound of Maya running down the stairs. He wants to call out to her; he wants to tell her that he loves her, that everything hurts, that he doesn't know if he can deal with this, that he doesn't really blame her, that he just wants to run away and never come back, that he's so, so sorry; but the words get caught in his throat and his mouth is left hanging open with no sound coming out.

Hearing the front door slams downstairs, Campbell pulls himself up to the window and watches Maya tear down the footpath. With no energy left to lie back down on the floor, he stays there watching the world go by outside. He finds something comforting about the people driving past the house, strolling down the footpath and riding their bikes, enjoying the last of the warm weather for the year. None of these people know anything at all about his life. They have their own lives and their own stories that most likely will never intertwine with his.

He sits watching the world go by for hours until finally the streetlights begin to flicker on. Pauline comes into his room at some point and places a plate of lasagne on his bedside table. Shortly afterwards he hears a soft tapping on his door. The tapping continues until he gets up and opens the door, preparing to tell someone to piss off. Instead he opens the door to Emily, the Clarkson's six-year-old daughter. Campbell kneels down to be at eye level with Emily.

"Hey, Emmy," he smiles at her.

"Guess what Cammy?" Emily beams at him.

"There's a new Charlie and Lola book?" Emily shakes her head. "Then what?"

"I said guess!" Emily giggles.

"Can I have a hint?" Emily nods and gives Campbell a massive toothy grin. She pushes her tongue through a gap in her smile. "You lost a tooth!" Campbell laughs. "Emmy, that's great, now the tooth fairy is going to come and make you rich!"

"I know!"

"Don't forget me when you're a millionaire!"

Emily laughs her hysterically infectious, little kid laugh. "Of course I'll forget you Cammy!" Emily pushes past Campbell, who is pretending to be hurt by Emily, and into his room. She jumps up on his bed and points at his laptop which is sitting on his desk.

"Can we watch Peter Pan on your laptop, Cammy, please?" Campbell gives an overdramatic sigh of defeat. "Yay!" Emily crows clapping her hands together.

Campbell grabs his laptop and sits down next to Emily. He has a whole folder on his laptop dedicated to Emily's films.

While Campbell's computer is logging on, Emily looks around his room curiously. "What happened to your room Cam-Cam?"

"What? … Oh, right," Emily looks at Campbell expectantly, "I did a little re-decorating."

"I liked it better before." Campbell's starts the film and Emily falls silent.

Not far into the film, Emily turns to Campbell with a frown etched deep into her face. "Why didn't you eat your dinner? It was really yummy. I helped Mummy to make it," Emily voice drops to a sad whisper, "don't you like it Cammy?"

"I'm not very hungry, Em," Campbell tells her.

"That's what Renee used to say before she got sick," the little girl's voice quivers and her eyes fill up with tears.

"Oh, no, Em, I'm fine." Campbell grabs the plate of lasagne and eats a few mouthfuls. "See, Emmy, I'm not going to get sick like Renee."

He can't hurt Emily like her sister did. The year before ,fourteen-year-old, Renee Clarkson developed a serious case of Anorexia. Renee was constantly being re-admitted to hospital and remained adamant that she wouldn't eat anything willingly. Being just five at the time, Emily didn't really know what was going on, just that her sister was really sick and really sad. Renee got so bad that Emily could wrap her tiny hand all the way around Renee's wrist. Renee used to be Emily's rock. Emily adored her sister more than anyone else in the world, but when Renee was sick she was cruel and distant with her sister. Emily's tiny heart was broken and Campbell became the only person she really believed she could trust.

A year on Renee's slowly getting better, beginning to eat more normally again, but she's never been able to regain Emily trust like she used to have. Campbell doesn't mind have Emily around though. Since the accident, he's enjoyed being around her because she's so young and innocent. Only once has she ever mentioned what happened to his mum. It almost feels as though no one else knows how to just be normal around Campbell.

"Yummy?"

"Spectacular!" Campbell tells her, "are you sure you helped to make it?" Emily giggles and nods.

Campbell puts the half-eaten plate back on his bedside table. Emily snuggles into his side and he puts an arm around her. Emily may not be his biological sister, yet she might as well be. He still misses his real siblings like crazy, but having Emily as his substitute little sister is just as good. And at the moment, Emily is the most stable part of his life left.

Near the end of the film, Emily yawns loudly, "Campbell, is Maya your Wendy?" She asks sleepily.

"Why do you ask that, Em?"

"Because you love Maya but you're not together anymore. Peter Pan loved Wendy but he had to give her up and they weren't together anymore." Emily yawns again, her eyes hardly staying open.

Campbell thinks about what Emily said for the rest of the film. As the credits begin to roll, Campbell finally whispers a response, "I guess Maya is like my Wendy, Em." But the girl is fast asleep. Campbell closes his laptop and lets his eyes slide shut.

And finally, for the first time in weeks, he begins to sleep. And he sleeps peacefully.

**ooo**

Pauline Clarkson puts a hand to her heart and smiles at the sight before her. Emily and Campbell are curled up fast asleep. Moving Campbell's laptop from his bed to his desk; she can't help but wonder if this is a sign that Campbell might be getting better. She can only hope so. Take one last look at the sleeping two, she grabs the half-eaten plate of lasagne, and heads downstairs to tell her husband that she thinks things are going to get better from here.

Unfortunately for her, she couldn't have been more wrong.

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**Please take a moment to review and I'd love to know what you think. The next chapter is when Cam's issues really start to take off (even more than they already have). I was planning on having everything start this chapter, but I think the way this chapter went just felt more right and helps to set-up a bit more for what is to come.**

**The Black Rosette**


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